Not a Quantum of Solace

I spotted this book about a month ago when I made one of my rare trips to Odyssey. And I was stunned. Did anyone else know there was a 6th book coming out? Of course I had to buy it.

So I came home, settled into my favourite chair, with a glass of juice and something to munch at arm's length. I opened the first page and stopped... Reflect, the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy is absolutely unique. I've never read another that even compares, have you? And bittersweet (and annoying) though the ending of the last book was, do I want to tarnish the memory with, what can only be a second-rate book at best? No offence to Eoin Colfer of course, I own the entire Artemis Fowl collection. And despite the fact that I think the series went downhill after the second or third book, I really enjoyed the books. But just how good could he be, trying to write Ford Prefect and Arthur Dent and Marvin?

I know, i know, trivial things to be wasting mental bandwidth on, but still, it's been a month, and while normally I would've gone through the book in a couple of hours flat, it still lies on my bookshelf, untouched beyond the first page.

I think.... I am afraid.

A time comes in your life when you finally get… when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out… ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to magically appear over the next horizon.

You realize that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings, and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you…and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions.

You learn the importance of loving and championing yourself… and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

Your stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you – or didn’t do for you – and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and everything isn’t always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself… and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties… and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.

You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for you next fix.

You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.

More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.

You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people... and you learn not to always take it personally.

You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.

You lean that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than you heart’s desire.

You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.

Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

- Author Unknown

It's been an not un-eventful weekend. If only I wasn't falling behind on my applications, I'dve enjoyed it thoroughly.

Thursday
1. Two near-death experiences. Important lessons learned.
(a)Helmets are extremely useful. You think you look cool whizzing by without one? Remind me to show you a photo of your head after it's been run through with a steel rod that fell off the traffic sign by the side of the road.
(b)It's a brilliant release to drive like a maniac when you feel frustrated or angry or whatever. It's also a chore to have to replace the visor just because it's a little scratched up. Despite that, I think it's a good idea not to let the two situations coincide.

2. Drove out of the city on a whim. Decided to call my sister on the way back in. In what I thought was an extremely low probability occurrence, it turned out that she was 27 km away, near my house, while I was near hers. T'was quiz night at Opus. I can't dance for nuts. Not while I'm sober anyway. Tequila shots.

Friday
1. Got a call to say that my name was on "the list" for the Saturday night Halloween party at Hard Rock Café. No one to go with, so I shelved that idea for the present.

2. Got a call from Alliance Francaişe to say that the head of admissions for my department at INSTN, Saclay was in Bangalore for a day and would like to meet me.

3. Rushed to work. Finished in record time.

4. Head off to Alliance. Stopped en route, payed up to avoid ticket for crossing red light(he says). Showed up there all nervous. I don't know why, considering they're the ones who want me there. An educational fair is going on. Oh, so that's why he's here. Strange though, there are people swarming all over the place, but no one to meet M. Meis.

Introduced to M. Meis. Very nice gentleman. He's a professor at the institute(i did not know that). Not only that, he'll be teaching me "Physics of Materials-Advanced", my first choice. He explains course details, what I ought to read before I come, scholarships, internships, thesis options and course schedule. The professors teach in French, yes, but they all know english too. Exams, reports, assignments either may or are only given in English. I'm still not sure what he said, but either way is fine. Apparently students have come with absolutely no knowledge of the language, and have picked it up in 2-3 months. I have 8 months to prep. So hey, i'm a lot better off, no?

He finally explains to me why the schedule they sent me was so hard to understand. The Board recommends that I skip the first year of the course and go directly to the second year of the Master's. Haha, real funny. Has he seen my cgpa and transcripts?? I look around. Nope, I'm the only one in the room.

He hopes I will qualify for the most sought after scholarship and internship, at the CEA itself. If I do well, he says, then they can use me as an example to propose to the CEA that they increase funding for foreign students. Thus improving Indo-France relations in the field of Nuclear research and academic relations in general. Oh, and I am the only Indian in the program.
I look around again. Nope, it is me he's talking to.

If he's just selling the course to me, then he's doing a brilliant job of it. Either way, it was fun. Who'd have thought that one day, I'd be this happy just to have had a technical discussion on materials engineering. Like mana in the desert. Now I am seriously tempted to take them up on the offer. It is the subject I want. It is Paris. It is necessary that I give a third reason?

4. Felt guilty for ditching work for personal business while boss is out of town. Go back to work, finish outstanding problems, enjoy the silence of a 9-to-5 workplace at 7pm on a Friday evening.

Saturday
Halloween
1. Met up with some friends for the BangJam. Lots of JAM'ing and not enough other stuff. The pre-JAM beer made it appreciably more interesting than usual. It also made me appreciably more obnoxious than usual, or so I seem to remember.

2. Pre-JAM session at LOR with Vivek Nithianand*. (*Name changed for anonymity)

3. No one seemed up to going all the way to HRC, so post-JAM session also at LOR. Joining me were thoughtworx, the 10-pointer, brasoc, pa13ty and Vivek*. More beers, many potato baskets, tried yelling over the music, gave up, discovered practical use for the years of dumb charades practice, remembered that I swore off beer, oh what the heck.

4. Saw brasoc home, dropped pa13ty home, thought of going back home made me shudder. Headed back to HRC. Why waste a freebie after all?

Sunday
1. Home at 3am. Or was it 4? Damn, I need a digital clock in the living room. Did I remember to lock the door after I came in? Did I remember to lock the gate after I parked the bike? Did I remember the bike?

2. Crashed.

3. Woke up at 4.30(?) Upma craving. Made upma with onions and peas. Tastes great with mom's thokku and curds. Just managed to put utensils in sink, wash hands and crash.

4. Woke up at 8.00am, drank 1L water, went back to sleep.

5. Woke up at 10.30am. Crap!! i forgot class. *groan* *facepillow*

6. Woke up at 11.00am. Made coffee. Finished the two books I got for my birthday. And there ended Sunday.

It's a good thing I finished 2 books and went almost all the way through a third. Else I'd have had to label the day 'wasted'.

The-day-that-shall-not-be-named.
1. Because if it is, it shall last twice as long.

I have entirely stopped reading.

Shame on me.

Meanwhile, I have yet another site to ignore. Tumblr.

I suppose people have moments of self-discovery everyday.

So what is it like to discover that all your actions or in-actions are governed by fear?

It makes you think. It makes you re-examine a lot of pre-conceptions.

But ah, that is the beauty of fear. It also leads to stasis.

So that all this thinking will not translate into even a single change.

So then you begin to fear the stasis too. But the more you fear, the more you stay the same.

As literal a vicious circle as one can hope to see.

If girls realized their responsibilities they would be so careful when they smiled that they would probably abandon the practice altogether.

There are moments in a man's life when a girl's smile can have as important results as an explosion of dynamite.

So this is what life is all about... Short bursts of euphoria interrupting one long stretch of gut-wrenching depression. It's a wonder the suicide rates are as low as they are.